i dont know what title this

 I'm sorry for missing two days, its been alot on my mind. Its not a new feeling but its not a comfortable feeling either. I can't say its all my friends fault I feel this way, I cant say its really anyone's fault but mine. I make myself feel this way. I feel angry, upset, alone, and isolated when I'm with my friends and its like I cant enjoy anything anymore without knowing its gonna be something ill think about in the future longing to be in that moment again. I dont know what that's called but I hate it. I feel it when I do bad things too, like I just blocked one of my friends, camree, she said something I didnt like and something else as well. In the back of my head its just "in a year its not gonna matter what she said" "I a month its not gonna matter if you blocked her or not" "in an hour you anger isn't gonna matter" most of those sound positive until they aren't. 

I miss not knowing things, I'm not saying I know everything now obviously since I am still 14. But I do know I felt better being oblivious to this amount of anger, hurt, longing, and loneliness. How come so many people want to be my friend but not really show it. That sounds so stupid I'm sorry. I dont wanna sound like I'm saying I dont understand anything and I'm small and stuff but I mean like I feel like I'm loosing myself completely. I'm not connecting. I'm not understanding change. I'm not understanding friendships, relationships, or people around me. I dont think anyone knows me, I dont tell people everything cause I dont want them to leave me. If I said everything id probably be lonelier than I am now. It doesn't really count right now since its 3 a clock. But speaking everyday, I dread everything. speaking to my friends, walking near my friends, TEXTING my friends back. It shouldn't be normal for people to be used to being blocked by me when I'm like this. Why do I block people when I'm like this. I need someone there I need someone please. When I am asking for a response I never get it and I dont know why. Please answer me. I'm sorry if I every spam videos, just tell me to stop and I will all I want is a response from any of my friends. Its like I feel so invisible when they're talking about sexualiy, stopping friends who want to end it, or feeling alone. All of this sounds so stupid. Ever since last year ive felt disconnected, I felt like everyone around me wasn't there and that I was imagining it all. People who ive known for years feels like I'm still getting to know them and that I dont deserve to be in their presence. Everything is changing too quick and I cant catch up or understand that I'm going to highschool soon, or that if I'm gone no one would remember me sooner or later. I know none of this makes sense and I also know no one I know irl is gonna read or see this so I look crazy and stupid  writing all of this.