idkkkkkkkkk

 Today was the last day of middle school it was okay. Yesterday I ruined any chance I had with Evan, although there was no way I had one in the first place. I was always scared to talk to him or even be near him. I told him this "This is really random and I am really really sorry I was very VERY scared to talk to you at all in person I just wanted to say I like you a lot and I think you're really cool and very tuff. I should've spoken to you but you're really intimidating I'm not gonna lie." I got no response and then Ariel told him it was a joke but it really really wasn't a joke I meant all of it. And then he said it was stupid and changed the subject. I dont understand how it was stupid, it wasn't a joke I promise it wasn't, even if he doesn't like me back it really wasn't a joke. I mean how could he even believe that it was? I hate to sound not confident but I dont believe that I am pretty enough to catch his eye ever and never will be. And I can guarantee you that I will never be enough for anyone. Everyone is pretty. Except me. Why.

I'm happy I'm not in middle school anymore, but I'm still really upset, I'm not upset about seeing my friends anymore. I'm more upset about not being in archery anymore, I'm not sure where id be right now if I never joined archery. When I joined I wasn't in the best headspace and truly just running on autopilot and joined archery on a whim. Like when I say horrible headspace I mean absolutely horrible headspace. I was close to ending my life because it got too much to handle. I never knew who to run to or talk to when I felt at my absolute worst everyone had some kind of relationship keeping them busy and  at that time no one had each others backs in the friend group or had someone closer and I felt so isolated to the point I would rather keep it to myself rather than have people go on and on about how "you just want attention" or "we dont care" "ill be there" or being straight up ignored because no one knows what to say. The loneliness I felt constantly in 7th grade was absolutely unbearable, I started to even plan the day I wanted to end my life just to end up not doing it because I was scared, and people will say "oh well since you were scared, that means you have a reason to stay" shut the fuck up dude. Just because I'm still alive does NOT mean I dont still want to fucking hang myself. Just because I am speaking to you at this moment. It does not mean that I WANT to.

I just cannotttt be here anymore. I dont even feel here as it is, I should've been dead years ago.